Of Autonomy and Agency

"Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does" — Jean-Paul Sartre.

We may be told by the adults during the times of our youth that while so, enjoy life as much as possible. One of the reasons may be that those adults were unable to enjoy and realize at full extent the freedom they once had in the past. We are told we are free. We are told our choices matter. Does it? Do we have the freedom to choose? Truly that is the case many are dwelling in, myself included. And that is all of truth — we always have a choice, whether it be influenced by our conscience or something deeper that categorically influences the action itself. Somehow, there's a contrarian debate occurring in my head regarding the concept of autonomy and agency, a constant battle of a kind for so long. But to be clearer, both concepts, though they may sound synonymous, are fundamentally different. The former defines your right or capacity to make your own choices while the latter is the actual ability or action taken to execute those choices. In this sense, what differentiates both is the concept of independence and the act itself. Harnessing these concepts is invariably important to walk through — the questions you and I are dwelling in — through an endless mode of exploration. Besides, this is what makes life interesting: finding what comes next by adventuring the unknown.

Our experience always begins at a very young age — consciously or unconsciously (mostly during childhood; practiced and immersed firsthandedly). That exploration is something we can all agree on; different adventure, hypothesis, interpretation, and findings. And so, we begin to formulate our own set of beliefs and understanding of the world, or our very own sense of rationality (i.e., the concept of right or wrong). As time passes, we accumulate the knowing of the concept of freedom at the very least — that freedom is freedom, bound to nothing. We, too, have learned the notion of "freedom of speech" and "freedom of expression," whether it be from books or school — an accumulated amount of knowledge possessed therein. At some point, we began to feel what it is based on our current knowing. We then began to associate it with the word and meaning of freedom. Freedom, by its definition, is the power to do something as one wants without restraint. It's vital to be reminded of freedom — of being free from external circumstances, to free the mind of all this earthly ruckus. We always have the freedom to choose. Freedom requires autonomy and agency to exist in practice. While freedom is the actual state of being unrestricted, autonomy and agency are the tools you use to live out that freedom.

We may also be told that we can attain freedom if we meet a certain threshold. Say, for example, in the pursuit of financial independence. For things to work out in the long term, you conditioned yourself into a deep focus on the work, intense enough to specialize in the attainment of that independence — that is a choice. Once so, you get to live the rest of your life passively, without financial constraints. That is the outcome of that choice, and it must make you happy and free. I remember a time when I was young in our old house, surrounded by nature with brimming sunlight coming through the trees; it was an awe-inspiring moment where I felt genuinely free. I could stare and sit for hours looking into the beauty of this splendor. Looking back, eyes closed, I can still feel the forestry — the moment of fleeing, or perhaps being detached from the current state of my existence. It feels that I can do anything, a blank canvas awaiting the artist's first stroke of the brush. In this instance, I realize that I am the artist of my own life, and so are you. Truthfully, it feels like I have absorbed that greenish environment within me, so that whenever I go back into that memory, peace thus follows.

Another question got me on the other side of the coin, and that is: who is truly holding the brush? Of course, literally, we are, but I believe there is something deeper and more spiritual than that. This exploration feels like delving into the cause rather than knowing merely the symptom. I am a proud Christian and have been blessed to know God at an early stage of my life. I believe in God's sovereignty — and trying to understand everything about Him is beyond my comprehension. So I can only interpret inasmuch as I can comprehend thus far. Hence, I am of the view that God is holding my brush — or so, I choose to let Him hold my brush. The feeling is something extraordinary, similar to having a dependable father who always caters to your needs, and even when you do not seem to need it, He is there because He knew that this is what you need, that of which you have yet to realize. There is peace and comfort in knowing that kind of support — that I have, always, someone on my side in whatever circumstance. We are humans — as fallible as it may be. There are instances where I want to own the brush myself, a call from my ego to do so. This was analogous to Romans 7:15, where it reads:

"For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do — this I keep on doing."

I can't know for sure what He is thinking, but I know certainly that there is a greater path ahead in us, awaiting its discovery. The path exists, as it always has, and reaching that space will get you something worthwhile.

Agency is not something I possess yet; it is something I am walking toward. That is my personal viewpoint. I so believe, upon writing this essay, that the ultimate agency can be attained by surrender — trusting that the bigger picture is being taken care of, or has been, and accepting what is. Perhaps the point is not in the waiting for the possession of agency, but in the act of choosing — or even choosing to surrender — is the agency. You may have variations or a different set of beliefs and interpretations of this — and that is another vital point; it is our exploration to define what is. Of consciously choosing to look forward, adventuring the unknown, and discovering in the creative process that there is more to it than we could ever realize. That whatever adversity life might give to you, you always have a choice — of choosing the most rational choice given the situation of your current self. Using the power of that choice is entirely up to you. You must stand with that direction, for whatever it may hold will reveal itself in time.

The choice is ours. So, what will be your next move?